Why wait? Let’s just rip-off the public service band-aid now

I’ve just had a fantastic idea, why don’t we just abandon all public assets and hand them straight over to the private sector and be done with it now.  There’s little point dragging this out any longer when it’s clearly a foregone conclusion, we may as well rip-off the band-aid quickly than peel it away inch by inch, drawing out the pain over a longer period.

Normally, I would have been the first to stand and fight for the public to retain their public services and assets, but clearly they can’t manage them as well as the private sector can.  Here’s an example, just look at the kinds of award winning buildings the private schools are putting in.  Evidently, they are far more efficient than public schools, who seem to be in a state of constant disrepair.

Despite my reservations, it looks like our government have been correct all along, we shouldn’t be resisting the lure of privatisation any more.

It has become as clear as daylight to me that we need for the government to stop funding all public services because they are simply too inefficient, roads, education, health, police, water, electricity, the lot!  All can easily be just handed over to the private sector where they can run them all with ruthless efficiency AND make a tidy profit for those willing to assume the risks, something the feckless governments seem unable to do.

So now is the time.  No more dilly-dallying, no more vacillating, no more unnecessary community consultation and pointless objections, strike while the iron is hot and the public have their backs turned watching the footy, and privatise the lot!  Everything, the job lot.  Sack all those useless public servants and invite the private sector in to run the show.  Stop collecting taxes that are only going to be used to for dole payments, or for single mothers to have babies to 8 different fathers, or to keep illegal asylum seekers in the lap of luxury with their 27 wives and 67 kids, all getting more in benefits that war veterans.  That’s right, shaft ’em all and make ’em work properly instead of lazing around in best until lunch time.

Revolutionary idea I hear you say.  Well thanks! 

But how would this work?  Ha!  That’s the easy part – we simply adopt a User-Pays system where you only pay for the things YOU use and you don’t have to pay from anyone else.  How good would that be?  No more paying for refugees or gay marriage and stuff like that.  Instead, all the money you earn would all go straight to you, instead of ripped away as tax by the useless government and you’d only ever have to pay for the stuff you use.  It’s called Libertarianism and a dream come true.  Let’s have a look…

Going to work will be much easier now, you’ll just need to get a tollway pass for each separate section of privatised road you want to travel along.  Of course we couldn’t allow a monopoly to form over the roads because monopolies are bad for competition, so different roads will be owned by different operators, each charging different tolls and using different billing systems and RF tags, so you’ll need a different tag for each road.  If you don’t have a tag, don’t worry, you’ll simply get a bill in the mail for the cost of the trip plus an administration charge for each kilometre you travelled.

Oh regarding the mail, you won’t be getting deliveries straight to your door every day because that is so old fashioned and completely inefficient.  When a package arrives you’ll be notified via e-mail and SMS (premium call charges apply).  If you want your mail it will be held for up to 48 hours in our conveniently located mail handling facility in Dubbo.  If you’re unable to get to Dubbo, the mail will be returned to the sender and you will be billed a handling fee of $4.50 for non-receipt.  This bill will be sent to you in the following mail.  We do however offer a convenient home delivery  service for a yearly subscription of only $6oo and a modest delivery fee of only $19.95 per item.  Mail will only be delivered during business hours and must be signed-for or you will incur an additional handling fee of $7.95.  You may request your mail be delivered within a specified 6-hour window by subscribing to our premium mail service for an additional $60.00 per month.  

Sick of garbage filling your bins?  Tired of jamming it down or buying more and more bins?  Why not pay us to take it away?   “Two Blokes and an Ex-Council Garbage Truck Pty Ltd.” offer reliable garbage removal services in your area.  From just $30 per kg ($180 for large wheelie bins), we will collect that garbage and drive it away, to be dumped elsewhere, out of sight and smell of your house.  (Wastes must be separated and placed neatly into each bin, we weigh and monitor the contents of each bin and any non-standard items may incur an additional handling fee of $75).  We can even take away recyclables ($20 per kg), garden waste ($15 per kg) and toxic chemicals/asbestos ($120 per kg).  We offer short-term pick-ups or long-term contracts at rates to best suit your refuse removal needs.  Call our number to speak to an operator about one of our cost-effective refuse elimination contracts (call charges apply).  

Feeling a tad sick?  Why not attend the mega health clinic (located on the site of the former public hospital).  Make sure you book for an appointment (call charges apply).  Doctors are busy people so make sure you are on-time as you will be changed on a per minute basis from the time of your appointment until the time you leave.  Standard consultations are charged at $20 per minute with a minimum charge of $200 for a 5 minute visit.  Additional time is charged at $30 per minute.  All private health insurance funds are recognised and most offer a generous 20% rebate for services.  Emergencies happen and your appointment may be delayed accordingly, if this happens, you will only be charged the standard waiting fee of $5 per minute, until your appointment commences.

Victim of a crime?  Call PolSec for all your policing needs and don’t forget our motto – “PolSec – we’re better than that lot!”  For a modest subscription fee of only $2500 per year we offer personalised 24/7 telephone response for break-ins, assaults, theft, and personal property crime.  Call our emergency hotline (premium call charges apply) and one of our experienced ex-police operators will note your details in our highly specialised crime database.  If you require on-site assistance, one of our cars can be dispatched to personally take the report.  Response times may vary depending upon urgency, workload and your level of coverage.  An attendance fee of $240 is applicable and our highly-trained crime operatives are billed at $100 per hour (minimum 1 hour applies.  Higher rates applicable outside business hours, weekends and public holidays – see our website for details).

Which school will your children attend and will it provide them the right pathway to the future?  St Google Of the Blessed Web intra-Cathlo/Baptist Schools offers only the best in services, facilities and teachers for your very special child.  We offer personalised training in each area of the syllabus (payable separately), including; Social Media, Coding, Wealth Creation, Religious Studies, Golf, and Tax Avoidance.  Our highly specialised tutors have been sourced from the best private institutes including the Institute of Public Affairs and the prestigious Abbott School.  Our commitment to a test-free, stress-free environment is renowned and thanks to our stand-in policy, we guarantee every one of our students will pass with a perfect ATAR score, enabling them access to any university they may wish to attend.  Our facilities are second to none, offering pools, saunas, gymnasiums, cinemas, restaurants, cafes, grooming salons, stables, garaging facilities,  VPN secured wi-fi connection,  personalised accommodation and 24/7 security to make sure your precious little darlings are pampered and able to learn in an environment free of other races, and the lower classes.  Located on 60 acres of prime rolling hillsides and surrounded by serene lakes, manicured gardens and nature reserves, our campuses are hidden form prying eyes by electrified fencing and monitored by state-of-the-art security systems to ensure no riff-raff are able to come within cooee of infecting your precious progeny.  Naturally, an educational advantage like this is not something we quibble over.  Our fees commence form a reasonable $80,000 per term for  the basic core package, through to our $450,000 per term plunder package with includes school vacations to Paris, Tokyo, New York and London.

Well, how was that?  A small but pleasant taste of our future in which we won’t have to pay taxes and where we will only have to pay for the things we use.  Sounds good to me, not having to pay for all those other people, those dole bludgers, the social sponges who can’t be bothered working hard and getting a good job like me.  No more subsidising cripples, single mothers having babies to 8 different fathers or housing scarf-wearing refugees, their 12 wives and 54 children, all living in the lap of luxury.

I say to the government, let’s do it!  Have some balls and rip-off that public service/public assets band-aid now.  The sooner we privatise things and allow the far more efficient private sector to run things, the better off we will all be.


NOTE: This is post intended to be sarcastic.


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